Three Options to Die?

I have a pleasant and healthy retired life. It has been already five years since I started sitting at home and entertaining people with talk of irrelevant subjects. Often, I get indulged in very leisurely never-ending, purposeless discussions. By this statement, I would like to say about some deliberate feelings I play with. 

That is about a very delicate subject of God, rituals, and beliefs. It is also about ever haunting vocabulary like Karma, Atma, etc. Unfortunately, I am the only one in my family and close relations with this perception, and no one is there to support me. Friends and relations take pleasure to instigate me into the subject and laugh at my ignorance. Some elders even reprimand me for my audacity and persisting with this idea forever. 

I am happy that most of these discussions are lively and they end up with a hearty laugh.

I am married for about forty years and it is a happy life. My children are settled at far-off places to pursue their careers. What is left with me and my wife, are the respective adamant perceptions and beliefs. We have consciously decided not to encroach into others’ beliefs. As per social convention, my wife got a few properties from her parents and a legacy of God’s portraits and prayers. 

From day one of our marriage, our arguments about God, worship, destiny, etc. thrived. I had to be stubborn to talk and practice atheism. For many years I was proud of my opposing the traditions and was feeling a kind of heroism. 

Now my age progressed and the ego weaned, the stubbornness lost its grip. For people outside, I did not exhibit much but my agnostic behavior gradually slackened. Having faith means living with perception and one’s ego pampers this perception. I believed that this dilemma and doubt had been there for generations and they would never conclude. 

I am sixty-five years old and I feel it is better for me to somehow manage the remaining few years of life without further analysis.

Last week my friend suffered a heart attack and passed away. I attended all the rituals. My friend was of my age. His family and friends who grieved included his ninety-plus years’ old father.

His father was a fragile person. He looked casual and did not seem to be affected much by the tragedy. I could only superimpose my feelings onto him. Many times it happens to me, when I do not have specific responses from people I construct the total scene with my personality and attribute my feelings to them. In the same way, I assumed that the old person would have seen sufficient tragedies in life and has exhausted feelings and emotions. The old man was after everyone, asking for a cup of tea, his medicines, etc., unmindful of the seriousness of the situation. I pondered, why?

Surely, he would have endured many such moments of both grief and pleasure, including his own health crisis of going through a bypass heart surgery. His two grown-up sons were already dead. I wondered how he must have felt at the loss of his companions and dear ones.

Since morning I pondered over the old man’s behavior. My wife reminded me that I missed my morning walk and started an argument over my laziness. Added to that, some relatives arrived to reiterate the importance of meditation and morning prayers and their impact on general health. Recently, I had stopped participating in discussions but my mind did not stop generating defense and counter-arguments for the chorus that was going around me. A sort of uneasiness brewed inside me.

I know if I am not able to present a logical defense; I would end up with feelings of helplessness and frustration. Somehow I finished my lunch and retired into my room for afternoon rest. Whatever I may interpret but with my agitated mind, I slipped into deep sleep. 

*******

I woke up, and found myself in a hospital, in an ICU bed. Some tubes and monitors were attached to me. I was nervous to know what would have happened to me. I saw my sons and wife around me and they told me that I was admitted to a hospital as I had a sudden fall with a reeling sensation. My wife told me that I was fine and only a little rest was needed. Soon, they left me to take some rest.

From nowhere a peculiar voice addressed me:

“Oh! Subbarao! You are a blessed Soul! I am a divine representative who has come here to deliver a message to you. I have got special powers to talk to you and take back your opinion. Our committee in the eternal world would like to decide about your next stage in life. Many people on earth talk of us in many ways and we are not in a position to tell our objectives and methods directly to you. So many terms like Atma, Karma, destiny, etc. are used at will. The actual meaning is not clear to anyone. We have a committee to decide the quantum and quality of good deeds and bad deeds along with obedience to God. This quantity is cumulative over births. A very complex equation is used to arrive at the actual value in the account. The rituals and chants also add to the account. You people on earth cannot understand our methods and your interpretations are wild.” 

The Voice from Sky continued.

“Your wife has been loyal to God and collected a lot of bonus points, which are automatically being passed on to you. With these credits, you are offered a gift for this life. The reward is that you can choose to die now. You have completed the schedules for this life. Committee felt it is a good time for you to close this life. Generally, the decision is implemented without option but as third-party bonus points are affecting the course, you are given an option.” 

It was a sudden announcement for me, and I started sweating.

I asked him if this offer was not to be there, what is my otherwise destiny?

The mysterious voice replied, “actually your life is up to ninety-three years. You will live in good health. I suggest you accept this offer. It ends now and here.” 

I started weighing the merits of the option. The old man, my friend’s father came to my mind. Can I endure living that long with conditions of the present society? Would I get enough physical or emotional help to motivate me to live that long? As I would grow old, I know I would grow senile, nagging, and boring to my children and wife. The old age homes would probably be my destiny. I cannot imagine how many of my cousins and friends of my age group would give me company. I don’t think I would go for this choice. 

I could not decide on the other option of dying at this moment as many issues are pending. Tax returns are not filed. House repairs are to be done. I wanted to see my new grandchild, the latest entry into my family. And I feel my wife is too innocent to manage pensions and savings.

I continued to struggle to make a choice.

The divine voice intervened, “Subbarao when you were contemplating over the options, I had discussions with our other members. They could read your thoughts and they came up with one more option, the third option. You can live ten more years. But you will be ailing most of the time. You will be bedridden. You will have time to guide your wife and see your grandchild.”

“Now options are full. Make your choice fast. Time is running out”. 

I panicked. Option one, two, or three? Which option I must choose to die?

I was nervous. I wanted to consult my close friend Srinivas, or shall I talk to my wife and take her preference?  Really what is my preferred choice? My mind went blank.  

*******

There was a heavy thumping on the door, and I got up from the sleep. 

I saw my wife in front of me. She shouted about my lazy afternoon sleep. She did not know that I had come out of a very frightful dream. I almost felt that they were true incidents. I got relieved to see my room and surroundings. All that I was experiencing was a dream. I was saved from taking a major decision.

I had a glass of water and sat for my tea and I started recollecting my dream.

I thanked my wife saying that she saved me from a big ordeal. It was a scary dream.

I remembered how many times I had said that I am ready to die. But the truth is – no one is ready to die. It is a very shallow statement.

Vallinath Mangalampalli