Mom by Law

Some relations beat me! Beats me every time! Though I’ve seen it while growing up, my Ma, Grandma, and Chachi, the complexity of it all, being Dadi’s pet, and taking sides were always simple. I’ve seen my father balancing it all by doing a tightrope walk. We stayed in our joint family while all the uncles and aunts moved out. My Ma did complain and bicker, but maybe she was not strong enough to raise a voice and I never had a proper taste of the saas-bahu saga. Come to think of it, our own house had a working daughter, my bua; a stay-at-home bahu, my ma; and a working bahu, my Chachi. Yet as a frivolous, pampered kid and teen, I had no idea of the politics underneath. Somehow, I felt my mother was always at fault. Maybe it was because of her nature and my adulation for Dadi, Bua, Chacha everyone.

Well, things never remain simple. As I transformed from a shy kid to a nerdy teen, finally some thrust beneath my wings, a stable career, and some failed relationships, and I was willing to settle. In proper family alliance, we met with the parents, then they left us on our own to take the call. We did not take our calls seriously for a variety of reasons. Looking back, it’s difficult to understand what it was, what worked, and what convinced us to take the risk! Well, that is another story!

I met my in-laws first the day I met my husband. And honestly, they impressed me much more than my husband did. FIL looked so gentle and humorous, and so did MIL. They complemented each other beautifully. The husband was busy texting somewhere in a strange orange tee, and we all warmed up in a lively conversation sans husband. My MIL was witty, threw lovely one-liners at me, and I believed we clicked. Soon, hubby and I were dating and decided to get hooked. After that sort of date was fixed, I met my in-laws quite several times, got along well, and raved about them to my parents and my aunt. Their simplicity and warmth cast a spell on me, and I was happy to call them my new family.

When I went to dinner with them, sometimes I missed my parents. Was I getting away from them? Are my in-laws my parents now? expensive dinners in Delhi, shopping, was I a bit dazed by their affluence. That shouldn’t have been as I was also earning decently, but yes with my parents, I was absolutely happy, but we did not and could not splurge.

Well, what happened then? Why were things not what they seemed? Was it my naivety, that I took things as they seemed, or was I the difficult one? I’ve always been perplexed by this relationship, which almost always fails due to a conflict of interest involving the hubby and the son who is at the center!

My arranged wedding did not pass by without the jitters, like the Barati scuffle regarding stay arrangement, conveyance etc.

It took us by surprise the scuffle pre-wedding. My Chacha, who was at the helm of affairs, came home at around two in the morning, visibly outraged. I and Dadi, stared numbly at him, failing to grasp what went wrong. Barati airs… did it happen right now? I was supposed to sleep on the mattress, but due to some strange pre-wedding custom, Dadi was lying on the bed. The scene, like something out of an old movie, replays in my mind around three a.m., Dadi whispering, my youngest son, nobody gave him his due, was she crying…

Tears rolled down my eyes too. I was the apple of his eyes, Chacha’s, things he did for me since I was born. He was proud of me, of whatever little I had achieved; the number of courses he enrolled me in; the number of interviews he took me to. Did I let him down…? It wasn’t any love marriage as I had wished and failed to go against all…still, and what was my husband doing!

Did I have to spend my life with these arrogant people? Yes, there will be another side to the story. Chacha can be arrogant at times, we all knew that, but seeing him hurt, outraged and broken, shook our entire family.

The next day, my father, mama, and others made amends with folded hands. My calm FIL was very enraged as well, as he had to answer his boisterous brother-in-law. Is it fair that, after all my education, my parents invested their time and efforts in shaping my independent ideas this is what I make them face!  Was I responsible for this? Can I call off the wedding?

Well, a phone call from my husband on my landline number calmed me down and put things back on track! One thing he did right, I guess, in all these years!!  My roaming mobile was not working then. After these so-called normal jitters, the wedding was over. In the tink of wedding bells, a happy bride and groom, acknowledging we could have gone wrong somewhere, the rest went smoothly.

Our tradition does not allow the groom’s mom to attend the wedding. My MIL called and almost apologised, ensuring this would not have happened in her presence, and I wanted to believe her. Even after the wedding, my otherwise reticent FIL tried to communicate with me. He was not like that, but the reasons that made him lose his temper. He did not need to, of course, but over the years I felt that was almost an apology, a plea to explain. This humility, from his position, and a very successful career as a physician, meant a lot to me, more than I ever asked.

My saga with in-laws has never been of a tortured bahu, nor were we the lovey-dovey duo working it out in the kitchen. From the beginning, my mother-in-law was clear about her independence. My father-in-law was, still is, working and she had no intention of ever depending on her son. Rather, she wanted her son and her daughter to settle financially and help them to the best of her capability.

She was not working yet, yet she handled all the finances and called the shots. I used to think I had not seen any working women exude such power and command the way she did. But she was dedicated to her husband and kids to the extent of being obsessed and hardly had any interest in anything else in life. Well, I guess that’s the story of many women in our country…husband, kids, family…life began and ended peacefully. That way she planned and executed all the major decisions of the family, albeit wisely and sensibly.

After a bit of a jittery start to our wedding, things went on smoothly. We left hubby’s hometown after the rituals, went for our honeymoon, finally rejoined our jobs, and began our baby steps in our nuptial life. We were planning a small get-together for our colleagues and friends in Delhi, and both of us wanted to invite our parents to that.

My hubby was grumbling, ‘All of them together? I’m not sure is a good idea!’

I, on the other hand, was happy that there would be a full house. Our get-together went on smoothly, and two sets of parents gelled okay the first few days. Both moms cooked and chatted; apparently, all went well.

It began with such a silly incident. My senior from the office asked about my new married life, in-laws, etc. in carpool. When it came to the mom-in-law, he had remarked casually, “I’ve never seen any girl blessed with a benign mom-in-law; it always turns sore. I tried to protest but gave up, saying I was new to this all and in no position to judge. Well, what I did while chit-chatting with ma, my mother-in-law, brought this conversation up casually.

My mom-in-law protested vehemently and seemingly agitatedly, as I understood later. I and my mom did not get her and we tried to prove our point with examples. It did not occur to us that she took all this very emotionally. I mean, it was an open discussion. We were discussing it because I found her so sensible and warm. Well, there the seed was sown. She had threatened my husband that she would not stay any longer, and blasted him, behind my back, of course. My husband was clueless and inferred that I am a thick-skinned sentiment-less person, which isn’t wrong I guess if I look back! Differences and distances poured in little by little… I too, agreed with my husband that it was not a wise idea to have parents together. Gone were the days when Dadi and Nani used to chew betel nuts and chill, sleeping in the same bed for many days.

So, all arranged marriage, same language, caste…yet there was not much of a bond between the two families. Since we did not have to stay with the in-laws, I adjusted to my life and took everyone’s word at face value. So long as the in-laws did not interfere, I could chill and forget. Well, I was in for another shock when we were planning for a child. I mean, I just assumed there would be some sort of help from the grandparents, maybe not permanently, but without help, how was I supposed to raise my kid!

The husband was very clear that there would be no help from his home; his father-in-law was a practising physician; no way were they going to leave their hometown and be with us. I knew they couldn’t be, but raising a kid! I would require help with a job with erratic timings! Once the child is born, they’re going to be here at least for a while. They will change their mind, I had hoped. Well, they didn’t, they came, stayed with us for a few days, shopped, and made yummy spicy dishes for sonny boy while I stared hard as I could not eat spicy stuff after c section.

My mom and I struggled with the infant while they bought brand-named toys and clothes and left in about ten days. Questions did pop up: the kid would have their family name; would they be so cold towards her?

My husband had some overseas assignments and I had shifted with my parents during my maternity leave. Medical complications arose one after another, and we moved to Delhi for another surgery. My parents and uncle were like rock stars to me. Surprisingly, the in-laws never turned up. My illness was prolonged and required hospitalisation more than once. My FIL guided me over the phone and, as a doctor, prescribed medications, but it was an ailing me, my infant, and my parents who were struggling hand to mouth. For my parents, Delhi was tough, yet what a choice I gave them. They gave me a new lease on life with my health and with my daughter. Still makes my eyes moist. They stayed until my husband was back and I recovered.

Parents…one can be wrong, conceited.. parents stand by you quietly, no questions asked and… in-laws… did I matter to them without their son! I understand ego and whatever else they had in their story if they bothered at all!

It was their son they loved. They came to meet us when my husband was back and performed the first ritual for my child! Paternal grandparents blessed her and performed her ritual while the other set of grandparents struggled to keep the infant alive while she screamed for milk while her mother was in the hospital. Later, I discovered my mom-in-law was obsessive about her daughter’s child. In fact, till the day she passed away, she was planning an elaborate meal for her grandchild with massive pampering. Huh, I sound so bitter. I met colleagues and joined them for mom-in-law gossip! Was I game for this really?

Nonetheless, I believe my mother-in-law fulfilled almost all of her responsibilities as a person. Though I know my daughter missed the love and affection of her papa, we did not stay close. We were not close. I just wonder as I had grown up with so much of Dada and Dadi around me, my personality and emotions were enhanced by their presence…my daughter had missed it all and distance was not the sole reason responsible for this! After all this fiasco, we settled down. No, my mom-in-law never interfered in our lives. My husband had some meetings which needed him to call short his leave. She insisted that we take our honeymoon trip then only and that our hometown stay and relatives’ visit could be deferred. She was wise, and something else I could see was that she had the ability to call the shots. She insisted on her independence as well as ours. When I see my peers, I know this is a big deal; a great deal indeed.

So… what is it I am cribbing about? I suppose I am not. Only they did not become the family I felt were pre-marriage. The warmth, the sincerity ebbed bit by bit both ways. But you don’t complain about it, do you? This is normal… this is what the relationship is all about, this is what it requires! The bahu does not replace the daughter, in-laws do not replace the parents, and the sooner you accept it, the smoother you get on with life. However, when relationships and life follow mathematical formulae and produce the same result regardless of circumstance, my mother was not always wrong, maybe… it took me decades to realise this.

I remember when I was posted at the tiny Shillong airport for a year, a senior gentleman from another department came to my table for some work. Being a small airport, we all knew each other well and we were chit-chatting along with a third colleague of mine. I still remember his remark, he said, ‘The girl always feels how come my hubby comes from this family…how come he’s such a gem among others in his family.’ He smiled a meaningful pause.

I was listening half-heartedly, looked up from my work at his words…’I think so too… and I was wondering how you were saying exactly what I felt!’

He gave an ‘I know it all smile’ and remarked, ‘This is not your story, every girl’s story rather!’

Was he correct? I mean, the husband is OK most of the time, more than OK a few times, we get along, we’re almost on the same page on many things, though we’re at odds on many others, we mostly share the same vibes. Then what failed with his parents? Why can’t we gel with the parents of the person we love most of the time? Why the inherent bitterness, conflict of interest, and misunderstandings galore? For the first few years, we learnt to avoid and adjust for the sake of the son whose peace was at stake.

I paid them an annual visit with my husband, observed their excessive involvement in their daughter’s life, and I was almost an outsider in the family. I did not have any say in anything, nor was I bothered or harassed in any way. My MIL always had help running the house, though she was an excellent cook herself, and she had advised me, in the beginning, to get help, be it in the kitchen or in running the house. Her advice worked. Life was smooth with a cook and a full-time helper, and yes, you do compromise with your privacy, but with a job, this was an excellent means to keep oneself sane, have some time for oneself, and some for the family. Though this made me an even lazier lass than I was before!

It’s been some years since my MIL left us and the vacuum she created in my husband’s life, the connection he has lost with his own home, after his mom’s death. He hardly had anybody who cared about him back there. My father-in-law kept himself busy with his work and stayed with his daughter and family. At times, my husband seemed lost. A home he loved, the mother he raved about; he had lost it all. In fact, without my mother-in-law, I hardly have any existence in my Sasural. At least I had a place back then in the family, a position which commanded some respect.

Though I was powerless and distanced most of the time, my mother-in-law’s absence was more terrifying. The house was haywire! After my mother-in-law’s demise, though my husband kept in touch with his father and sister, communications were almost one-sided. I had severed all ties more or less! The family had crumbled in her absence. My father-in-law, husband, and all established successful men were clueless in her absence! She wielded such power, love, and respect!

I did not want to end this on a bitter, cribbing note. When I meet girls…friends, cousins, and colleagues, I do join them in bickering against saas and get enraged when I remember how they left me with parents and an infant in my husband’s absence. My heart whispers sometimes… she was in no way near to the stories of atrocious saas I hear, a sensible, wise lady, too sentimental at times, yet who held the reins of her family and kept altogether for long.

Soma Bhattacharjee

Photo by Say Cheese: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-in-red-dress-kissing-on-forehead-a-woman-in-wedding-dress-5609055/