#mothersday2022

An emotion called Maa !

I was flipping through my old writings, thinking of my now big girl, pondering over what my junior colleague remarked yesterday, looking at the absurd number of pictures I posted in status, super enthusiastic after my latest trip towards the beginning of Arunachal Pradesh.

‘Ma’am from the pics it seems you and your daughter share a special bond’

I could nod, smile from the outside, and gloat from the inside! Do we…you and me! Can we?

Let’s see what I wrote back then…

Dear Ninni,

Some confession time. It’s an age-old debate in the country we live in. I do not know how people deal with it in other countries and whether such debates do exist. Well, I had always been a working mom (whoever has coined the term with such acute connotations) and truly I do not know much about another way of life, somehow, I always knew I had to work… it wasn’t ambitions or aspirations just a plain principle of working and living my own life. Well, things aren’t so plain really…!

First of all, I don’t know I need to confess this but succumbing to spousal and parental pressures, let me tell you I am not a conventional mom!! Yes, I too am not sure of what that means but I am not obsessed with your school, studies, progress, or food, like most moms. I know and yes, I do have a nice world of my own which supposedly I mustn’t have!! And yes, since I have this reliable and sincere help to bring you up (your Pishi) more often than not I leave you to her while I keep doing the things I love… like visiting social networking sites, a little bit of writing, some reading and of course shopping, movies and not only this I have left you with your Pishi and father for five full days for a pleasure foreign trip with my colleague!!! I know I sound like a perfect heartless mom…and yes, it’s not that I have a self-absorbed partner who does not take me out for holidays… he does, plans great trips (only it’s him who decides and I pack and follow). Of course, there should be nothing objectionable in this…

Okay, these were the allegations, rather are the allegations you will continue to hear against me…and also some toppings like I hardly do any household chores and have enough time for myself and I really can’t blame anyone for infusing these in your heart. Now, what do I have for defence and whether I do need any or if I am loaded with guilt. Well… Ninni… I do not get along with a lot of people 😭. By the time you grow up you’d discover all these about me…never got along with your grandma (my mother) since I was a child, not much with my brother (as he puts it I am bearable for a maximum period of forty-eight hours!!!) and now do not get along with your father and yes with your make-believe Pishi. It’s not that I dislike any of them nor do I think they dislike me much…just that I am impossible sometimes!! And I wonder if you and I would share the same fate… Anyways since your birth leaving the initial turbulent period… I settled in my job leaving you in the hands of my domestic help and I believe she looked after you very well and loved you with her heart. A slum dweller, she would clean and wash in other houses but she looked after you, dressed and bathed you, dressed you in every new frock I got for you and matching hair accessories. She’d take you to the flock of domestic helps to gossip as she’d wait for me to come home from work and hand you over to me when your feet began shaking excitedly as you could spot me approaching!! Believe me, she seemed an angel to me, though she took numerous leaves and ultimately, we had your Pishi to settle down with us. After an initial tumultuous period, you adjusted with your pishi and having a full-time help life was excessively easy for me.

I went for transfers and stayed at different places and she was and still is an indispensable help. And on my part, I know nobody may vouch for me but I need to tell you that I did all I could to make her life comfortable and she became one of us… though it became so hard to digest at times. Soon you also knew pishi is an utmost necessity in our lives and you share a strong bond with her. It was not because of my absent-mindedness but rather because of her love for you that you have learnt to love and respect her and trust her with all your needs. If I went out for a day of shopping or movies leaving you at home or school…it was always with a feeling of guilt I returned home and I believe it would be the same for any mother. I remember sometimes I’d spend the day outside when I have night shifts and yet would never go office directly rather come home and have a look at you once!! I might sound outrageously defensive…anyways while at the infant stage all mothers prepared boiled and mashed food with different recipes…I did try once or twice but since you were such a fussy eater…lost interest in a few days. And then I saw all moms fuss about school and studies…I stayed behind with my laid back (might be mistaken for arrogance) attitude. Most moms complain about lack of time – work, kitchen, toddler but most of the time I find enough time to read, write and enough time to laze about though I’d love more really…and almost stopped entering into kitchen barring trying something new after your Pishi’s entry.

Wanderlust or whatever…I decided on this trip without you. You have stayed without me for two months as I went for training and I know it was a very hard time for both of us…and yet I took this plunge… I knew what I was doing wasn’t very right but who wanted to be right always and hence the first trip outside the country. Not that I enjoyed extremely without you, especially those places meant for children..and sometimes I did wonder what I was doing there without you. That was a minor mutiny, an assertion and I loved it more than the trip. Anyways that was a matter of five days and I was back armed with a lot of guilt and allegations from all.

I do not know if my efforts as a mother fall short of what should be…and I am this independent woman who moves around leaving you to maid… no Ninni, I know you will realise or you already know that you have one gem of a mother! Ma is someone you take for granted, the first name you call when you wake up, the first person you look for in the house and this is the most obvious thing. This makes me happy and content and with the apprehension that my activities never blow this up and this remains as obvious as ever… at least as long as it lasts. All said and done I just know you have always won me over with your innocence and this undemanding love which makes one learn only to give….and I know to you from the mother you were born from I’d be the person who would win you over with her love and the woman she is.

Lots of love

Yours Maa

The letter kind of left me wistful!

I could hear your voice from the bed, ‘Maaaaa… maa kahan hain…?’

‘Here Ninni’ I raised my voice from the bedroom, a little gloating again…!

Maa… the first name we take, the first name you take till date.., how it leaves my throat a bit moist…

A long time back a Sunil Gangopadhyay novel, where the protagonist Bharat was an illegitimate child of the Raja, who never knew his mother, yet once attacked by goons, pining in the forest, it was ‘ Maa’ he had uttered, ‘Maa’ he had breathed the ‘Maa’ he has never known or seen! Such powerful imagery, the scene flashes after ages, strikes somewhere inside!

Maa… the name exudes a feeling, an emotion, we bow down to!

Soma Bhattacharjee

Photo by Albert Rafael: https://www.pexels.com/photo/woman-kissing-cheek-of-girl-wearing-red-and-black-polka-dot-top-1101730/